Wednesday, May 9, 2007
Parenting & Leadership
It's been an inquiry for us for the past few years. Will we adopt? Will we just support needy kids through philanthropy? Will we be content to just be an aunt and uncle to our nieces and nephews? We feel incredibly blessed in our lives and wanted to share more.
Around the turn of the New Year, we decided to move forward -- as foster parents with the intention of fostering teenagers.
Our friends' responses ranged from, "I want to be your foster kid!" and "I could loan you my teenagers!" to "Wow, that's a big step, congratulations!" Mostly, we've gotten a lot of support.
In February, Steve and I took an intensive 32-hour foster care class. In April, we completed our homestudy and other paperwork, including the fingerprint cards at the local jail in Park City. Now, we're waiting for final approval of our background checks.
In the meantime, we're having the most interesting conversations with friends about what's ahead. Jack, a friend from California who is staying with us for a few weeks, had organized an evening "in" to watch the Floyd Mayweather, Jr./Carlos De La Hoya boxing match. I had never watched a boxing match, but I was game.
Our friends Tess and Jenn drove up from Salt Lake City to join us. Steve grilled steaks and steamed vegetables. And, Jack narrated the history leading up to the De La Hoya promoted event in Las Vegas.
When the fight was over, conversation turned to life, the Enneagram (four of us are Enneagram geeks, I confess), and then to our decision to foster.
Jack, a provocative kind of guy, asked, "So what do you do when your kid comes home at 4 a.m. high on cocaine after breaking curfew?"
What ensued was an animated conversation about boundaries, communication, intentions, behavior, and so forth.
Steve came down hard on the side of the rules and consequences (he grew up in a small town in a family with strict rules). My instinct was to try to understand the context and how the child was paying attention (I'm a coach and I didn't grow up with a lot of rules) before taking action.
It was an interesting moment. Suddenly, Steve and I weren't so aligned. It was clear to Jack, Tess, and Jenn that we weren't aligned. It would be patently clear to any child we fostered that we weren't aligned. The sniff was "good cop, bad cop" syndrome ahead.
And, so, I was grateful for the question, which had come up in a less triggering way in our home study, when our case worker asked, "How do you set boundaries?"
I shrugged, looked at Steve, and said, "I would probably defer to Steve on this one, as I didn't grow up with a lot of boundaries." Our case worker recommended a class on setting boundaries and discipline, and we readily signed up.
Our goal in going to the class is not so much to get the recipe for setting boundaries as to enter into an inquiry into our shared values and a study of what has worked for others.
In leadership, it's not so different. What are the consequences for failing to meet commitments, violating policies, breaking the law even?
You'd be surprised at how even the most senior executives labor over what to do when employees are disappointing them or violating trust.
As future foster parents, we have classes to attend, case workers to refer us to resources, and experienced families from which to learn. I have heard more than once, "I wish I had had the classes you're taking before I became a parent."
Leaders could afford to spend more time preparing for leadership. It's been said that leaders -- in marked contrast with athletes and musicians -- spend most of their time performing and little time practicing.
In my work, so often I see leaders who work together day in and day out, year after year, and they are not aligned on fundamentals, from what their dreams are for their business to their philosophies for leading people.
That's where Richard Strozzi-Heckler's concept of the "leadership dojo" comes in. "Dojo" is a term from the martial arts meaning a "place of learning and practice" and a "leadership dojo" would be a place where leaders could train in the real world and not just intellectually, taking metaphorical rolls on the mat of practice.
Richard's book on the leadership dojo is coming out this fall. Perhaps there will be interest to start something locally. Let me know your thoughts.
# posted by Cindy Marteney @ 1:16 PM 
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